More Waiting...

I've been learning a different kind of waiting.

I learned to wait in the dark. To praise Him in the dark. Now I have to learn how to focus on Him in a light so bright I can barely stand it. My future, lit before me all shining and golden, with places that dip out of sight to be sure, shadows crossing it, but still a path more joyous than I'd ever dreamed. I'm ready to leap down it, but He puts His hand out and says "Wait".

Wait, Lord? Isn't that all I've been doing until now? Haven't I been faithful to do that? Haven't I been patient and trusted You? Haven't I shed enough tears waiting for You?

Why is learning to wait so terribly important anyway?

During a conversation I asked a friend that question burning in my brain today. Her answer was enough to shake me off my whining rant and feel humility again.

Because we're distracted and He wants us to look to Him and be satisfied. 

Goodness. Talk about conviction. If that's what He's after me for, if that's what He's trying to teach me...I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will never learn to be satisfied completely with Him. I'm afraid I'll be waiting forever.

Ahh, Jenna. . .

"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" Philippians 1:6

Lord, teach me to still look to You instead of my future. Teach me to be satisfied with You. Teach me to wait.

Instead...

There is a struggle of emotions that goes on in me when I look ahead to Thanksgiving. I am naturally pessimistic, not that I necessarily look for bad things to happen - though I certainly try to be prepared for them - but more often than not I see the bad rather than the good in my life. It is a terrible habit but, there it is.

Right now I am tempted to look at my dad's unemployment struggle instead of seeing how God has faithfully taken care of us through it all.

 I want to feel sorry for myself when I see how my family is spread out across the whole world, instead of thanking God for how close our hearts still are.

I want to mourn the loss of my grandparents instead of shouting for joy at the knowledge that they are in heaven!

But God has been cultivating a spirit of thankfulness instead of fear in me this year. He has opened my eyes to see His overwhelming goodness and faithful love. I am forever grateful. Or at least I should be!

This year -
~ I have been surrounded by people who love me.
~ I have regained my health.
~ I have spent time with my entire family, together.
~ My grandfather has come through two dangerous operations.
~ I made two amazing trips to Russia.
~ I have learned that money and health insurance do not take care of us. God does.
~ I have discovered what a great blessing it is to be so intimately connected with my siblings' ministries.
~ I have cried and struggled through many difficult things and been carried through it all by the Everlasting Arms.
~ God has allowed me to have a positive impact in childrens' lives.
~ God has taught me what true humility looks like.
~ I have been overwhelmed by Jesus' vast love for me!

Humility

I've been reading a lot about humility these past few weeks. God has been impressing on me my very great lack of it! But it hasn't been at all unpleasant...You know, only a gracious, loving God like mine could make something like learning humility something that fills my soul with joy and gives me a more confident assurance of His love!

I think the passage that most encouraged me during this study was Deuteronomy 8.

"And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your GOD has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD ...
...For the LORD  your GOD is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth into valleys and hills.
...In the wilderness He fed you manna, which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end."
Deuteronomy 8:2-3,7,16

I've been through a lot of wilderness, barren places. I don't mean that I've had a hard life, but many times my spiritual life has been extremely dry. I used to think those times meant God was unhappy with or disappointed in me, waiting for me to get my act together...but I don't think so any more.

Recently we had a ladies conference at my church and one of the speakers said something very poignant for me; she was speaking about Sarah, Abraham's wife and how her barrenness was viewed as a disgrace, God's disapproval even! And then she pointed out how we, today, often view our times of "barrenness" as God's disapproval when it's not!

God says He leads us through the wilderness to humble us and teach us that we need Him so that He can lead us to good places. So, the times I have been thinking were proof of God's disappointment were instead proof of God's most tender, unending love in offering me His own strength. How marvelous!