Psalm 37:23

Blessings

A dear friend from church sang this song yesterday in church. Tears were streaming down my face as she sang.

   

Last week was very rough. My grandfather has been in and out of doctor's offices since his pacemaker was put in. 

Another close friend found out her grandfather's cancer has returned.

And then we received some devastating news about a family friend.

So, I've spent much of this week in tears, particularly this weekend.

When Ms. Melissa got up to sing and explained how this song had touched her, I knew I was about to become a basket-case. But I still wasn't prepared for how deeply the song would touch me. But it was okay, they were good tears, tears of His own healing. 

I pray this song brings healing to you as well.

Saying Goodbye

Today, my last day in Moscow, is drawing to a close. Tomorrow I will drag my tubs and bags to the airport, answer lots of questions, check my bags, grab my ticket, say my goodbyes and walk through the barrier.

Tonight I'm babysitting for a few hours. I've made American mac-and-cheese, spread peanut butter on bananas and fed my three nieces. We played the quiet game while we ate and talked about the movies we watched today, namely, "Tangled" and "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs".

After dinner I sit down on the couch to work on a blog post about my recent visit to a mosque, but it's not right. I can't find the right words to express the subtle, gentle, but deep way it affected me.

The older two girls bug me to "do something fun", a tradition I created for when I babysit them. It usually consists of a special game or craft or movie. I reluctantly leave my "work" to search for a new craft online.

The baby needs more food.

I check my email.

The girls are loving on me, climbing and tugging. It's sweet but not practical with a computer in my lap. I grumpily brush them aside, find a craft and give them the materials and instructions, relieved to finally have some peace.

After a brief interlude my middle niece climbs up beside me to ask questions again...I only half-listen to her, giving her brisk answers.

Finally I catch myself....this is my last night with them! Is this the parting memory I want to leave, a distracted, grumpy aunt? I look down at the small face cuddled up against my arm.

"Am I grumpy?"
"Yes," she answers decidedly.
"What does grumpy mean?" the oldest one asks.

What is making me so grumpy tonight?

I put the computer aside determinedly and grab Kaela, then Abbie for a spin. Their delighted laughter lifts my spirit. I plop back down and just watch. I watch the girls leap around the room playing with the space ship I made them out of a toilet paper roll, construction paper and a few Werther's wrappers. They speak in their high-pitched play voices, happy as queens...or maybe happier.

I watch the baby maneuver around her sisters' antics, babbling to herself, experimenting with new sounds. She is learning so much, so fast, changing every day. I retrieve a stray marker top from her possession. I chuckle a little at her angry cry and pick her up to cuddle. Her indignation is short-lived; she gleefully pulls away from my embrace to climb on the couch, practicing sitting down and standing up, chattering happily all the time to me. I wonder what she is telling me all about.

All of this sends shards of pain through my heart. I will miss them so much!

And not only them...I realize I've gradually come to love it here.

I love:
~Studying the people on the metro and praying for them
~Practicing my (extremely) limited Russian.
~Understanding the culture/Knowing how things work here.
~ Eating hatshepurri!! (A Central Asian bread with cheese and egg topping. Very oily and cheesy and soft and soooo yummy! btw, I have no idea if I'm spelling it right.)
~All the fresh, soft, yummy bread!!!
~Hanging out with my awesome big sister!
~Watching my nieces grow up.
~Being with the people I've met and grown to love here.
~The different perspective on life I get here from seeing people begging, people working so hard to please a God they barely know and living in fear of Him all their lives, people who haven't bathed in so long you can't stand within ten feet of them, people trapped in a religion they were born into.
~The new level of dependency on God.
~The way I can take a step back from myself and my own problems here.
~Knowing that I am serving God in a practical way in everything I do here. How useful and productive I feel.
~The way I can enjoy the simplest things here like: a yummy meal, Coca-Cola, any and all outings, laughing with my nieces, chatting with people from home, making my little sister laugh at my craziness, reading a book.


I've learned that your home is not confined to a place, even a country.This place has become part of my home.

So tomorrow, as I walk through the gate that will separate me from this new piece of my home I will more than likely be fighting tears for all I am worth, but in the end I can be nothing but grateful. I have made such rich and precious memories. I have met such wonderful people. I have experienced things others only dream of. But most of all, I have been changed.

I only hope and pray that these fresh and still-delicate impressions will not be forgotten or erased with the pressures in America. I pray that I will keep the things I have learned here, treasuring them and pondering them in my heart. That God will keep my heart tender towards Him and towards the people here..and everywhere!

(Note: You made it all the way to the end! Hoorah! Thanks for putting up with the long, rambling post...I wrote it late at night in a very sentimental mood...something I try never to do but it happened and I've decided to keep this one no matter how choppy and unpleasant it may be to read. It expresses some true feelings that I don't want to forget. So...three cheers for you faithful reader!! Thank you for your perseverance!)

Graters and Gratefulness

Have you ever swallowed a cheese grater? No? Well, if you had you'd know exactly how my throat felt on  Friday.

Friday morning I crawled out of bed with a throat sore enough to rival the the my tonsillitis throat's record. I tried everything I'd ever heard of to find relief that day, warm tea with honey, plain honey, gargling vinegar-water, throat drops...the whole shebang. The only thing that helped  to any degree was two Tylenol, but still, tears came to my eyes and I tensed all over with the pain of swallowing anything.

I was mildly upset with God for throwing such a wrench in my plans. I felt even worse when I heard of the plans the others had made to pass out fliers at a mosque and eat out for dinner - plans I would have to miss out on to nurse my throat. I even wondered (somewhat bitterly) if these germs had slipped past when God wasn't looking (can we say drama queen?). But in the back of my head, or deep in my heart, or wherever, I knew God that must have some reason for letting this happen to me. So, not having much else to do or being too miserable to do it, I started trying to sort out what it might be.

I suddenly realized that it had never occurred to me to thank God for a healthy throat before. Then I began thinking about all the blessings I take for granted (sometimes even while complaining to God for not blessing me in other ways!). And not just the "common" things like life, clothes, food shelter but extra-special things like: 
~a homey house with a large yard,
~amazing friends,
~a beautiful town,
~spending money,
~a quiet neighborhood,
~music,
~parents who understand me,
~brothers and sisters who like me,
~a church that cares about me individually
.
...I began to see my life in a different light and I saw all the things I could and should be overwhelmed by gratefulness for....I was disgusted with myself but I still wasn't all that grateful...

I still haven't gotten to the point of being overwhelmed but, while I think gratefulness is actually a gift from God, I do think it also comes partly from discipline. So, as an exercise I have decided to pledge to post once a week with at least one thing I am truly grateful for. This post will take place on Fridays so check back on me!

Another way you can help me is to be praying for me, that this lesson will not slide off with time but will become etched on my heart and transform me and that God would take this weakness of mine to show off His own strength.

"Praise to the Lord
Who o'er all things so wonderfully reigneth
Shelters the under His wings
Yea, so gently sustaineth.
Hast thou not seen, how thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?"

Thou who hast given so much to me, give me one more thing... a grateful heart!         

~George Herbert 

What I've Been Up To

So, my brother and sister-in-law left a week ago today. I've been trying and trying to get this post out....it's been more difficult than it should be. I guess it stirs up a lot of emotions that I usually try to avoid and when I'm emotional I don't trust my writing. So let's just say it's been very hard, I miss them a whole lot but God is taking care of me...and them!

I have been keeping very busy since they left. While they were here I tried not to be too busy so I would be free to spend time with them. But in the week since they left (it seems like MUCH longer) I've taken apart our sewing room, watched Bleak House, had a visit from a friend, made pickles, run various errands, read a few books, cleaned and rearranged my room and written a lot.

Speaking of writing, the other day (when I was cleaning my room) I decided to go through my mounds of papers and organize them into a binder. I'm always writing and I prefer loose-leaf to notebooks so it can get pretty messy sometimes. Besides, I didn't want any papers to get lost. Someday I want to write a book and what I write now will be the foundation for it.

So, I started gathering my piles and sorting through them, adding them to the binder as I went along. I was getting excited as I worked. My papers were adding up. Some of them didn't have much written on them, just a thought or an idea. But some of them were solid writings and all of them were important. By the time I was done I could hardly close the binder. I was so excited. 

You see, ever since I graduated and even before I've struggled with feelings of pointlessness. I thought that my life would "begin" after high-school. I envisioned running hither and thither doing ministry work, meeting new people and working with girls. And yet none of that has happened. For the most part nothing has changed since high-school.

So, I was really excited to have tangible proof that this past year has not been pointless. I have been productive! God has been working in me!I have worked and sweated and cried and trusted and cried and waited and cried and...you get the picture. I have learned so very much. As my mom likes to tell me I've been in "God's College". Learning straight from The Teacher Himself.

Maybe this seems like bragging to you, but I only tell you this to encourage you if you are now or are ever in a situation like me. Don't fear. God has a specific purpose for you. Remember, He chose you! (John 15:16) Just trust Him to do the work in you.

Any comments and/or criticisms?

What I've Been Learning About...

Waiting on God.

Waiting is not about inaction.

 Waiting is about preparation.

It’s about learning about God.

           Seeking God.  
           Strengthening my relationship with Him.
           Building the foundation for living the rest of my life.

           Studying the Bible.

           I am learning to ask God what He wants to teach me instead of struggling against His restraints.

 It’s about worshiping God.

            Humbling myself and focusing on Him alone.

            Learning to make anytime worship-time.

            Trusting Him fully while I wait.

            Praising Him and enjoying His presence.

            God has been reminding me not to forget to worship. Waiting isn't all about sitting quietly with my hands folded...

 Waiting does not require silence.

            ...Waiting is all about my relationship with God. Communication is vital.

            I have learned not to be afraid to talk to God about anything. It's okay to tell God when I'm afraid, angry, or confused; God knows about it already and He delights in me pouring out my heart to Him. (Psalm 62:8)

I am just beginning to realize how vastly important this period of waiting is for my life. It has been hard to sit and wait while watching my friends move on and actively pursue their dreams. 
Still, I am learning so, so much! Even the desert-times have been rich with blessing. God is being faithful to love me, teach me and grow me. 


I am so grateful right now; even though I know more times of fear and trouble are ahead, I am certain in this moment that God will carry me through them and continue perfecting the image of Christ in me.


For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you [and me!] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

Judges 6:13

Last night I watched a documentary on the recent group of tornadoes that hit Alabama. Since I live in its neighbor state of Georgia I'm probably more aware of the impact the tornadoes have had down here, but still, I wasn't prepared for the extent of damage I witnessed on TV.

Tornadoes rip through my state almost every year but usually they pass above or below my home and usually they're small...but not this time. This time, instead of maybe just one house damaged on a given road there are whole rows of houses obliterated, demolished, gone. There are hundreds of people with no homes, but even worse, there are some families who lost more than just their home...hundreds of people were killed by the tornadoes.

What do we do in the face of such devastation? What can we say? We can go and help rebuild, we can hug and offer words of comfort, we can donate. And yet, somehow it's not enough. Those families can never be whole again. We can wipe tears away but we can't erase fear or pain. At the end of the day, when there is nothing left to silence our questions, our hearts scream, 'Why!? Why do such terrible things happen?'

We are not the first to ask this question. Probably every generation since Adam has pelted the skies with it. If God is good and He cares about us and He is able to do good, why does He send or even allow terrible things? We are told is our own fault; it is because of sin in the world. We believe it...but still our hearts are not satisfied. There is something missing...

In my Bible reading recently I came across a verse that made my jaw drop, literally. I've been taught all my life that the Bible is relevant to every part of our lives, but until now I didn't realize just how in touch the Bible is with people, what they think and what they feel. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, after all it was written for people, but it still awes me that God...well, you'll see.

Then Gideon said to him, “O my lord, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?’ But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”

Judges 6:13 (emphasis mine)

Did your jaw drop? There it is, plain as day, the question that has plagued hearts for generations. But where is the answer? I'm getting to that, but first I want to give you some background information.

In this verse Gideon is speaking to the angel of the LORD. The angel came to him while he was threshing wheat in a wine press. Why was he in the wine press? He was hiding the wheat from the marauding Midianites who would regularly raid Israel and steal all their food, including their crops and their animals. So the angel of the LORD comes to Gideon in the wine press and greets him by saying “The LORD is with you, O valiant warrior.” 


Then we get to the verse I posted above where Gideon says something like "Ha! Good joke. If God were with us this wouldn't be happening, would it?" Now...for the good part. :)

The LORD looked at him and said, “Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midian. Have I not sent you?”

Judges 6:14 (emphasis mine)

It might take a little bit of explaining here from me...you see, lately there seems to be a lot of tough stuff going on in my life; my emotions are all over the place. I've been crying out to God asking basically the same question, 'Why? Why can't my life be smooth? Why do I have to go through this stuff? If You're really here then this shouldn't be happening!' After a lot of tears and struggle I finally learned one of my most valued lessons. Pain is not always discipline for sin; it doesn't always mean something is wrong with us. Sometimes we go through things that seem wrong, that seem like they shouldn't be happening to us, to make us stronger. And not just stronger for the sake of being stronger, stronger so that we can "Go...and deliver..."

For example, my calling and dream is to minister to young girls, encourage and disciple them through the difficult teenage years. But there is no way I can do that unless I have walked where they walk, felt what they feel, and asked the questions they ask.

I'm not completely sure why the 2011 tornadoes came, but I do believe that somehow, something good will come out of it, someone will come out stronger for it and will be able to "Go...and deliver..."

Slow to Speak

Yesterday was my seventh day with this tonsillitis. Yes, that's what the doctor diagnosed me with on Monday. Now I'm on three medicines, including an antibiotic. Thankfully the horrible sore throat is gone but an earache has replaced it and my cough is still alive and well.

Before my doctor visit my sore throat was simply awful. I couldn't speak without a lot of pain so I didn't open my mouth unless I absolutely had to. I am not normally a reticent person, on the contrary it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut. My silence felt strange.

I've grown up in a large family where words were always flowing. At the dinner table we usually had at least three conversations going between different people. If you wanted to get your say in you had to be quick and loud. Interruptions were as common as salt and pepper.


That was fine for then. It was fun, a lot like The Waltons. But now my family has grown up and I am left with my bad habits. Families are quick to forgive you when you blurt out thoughts you should have kept to yourself. Other people are not always as understanding. Besides that, the Bible commands us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry." James 1:19  This is where I have a problem. I have it backwards; I'm quick to speak and slow to listen.

If you dig down deep enough you'll find the root of my problem is selfishness. That's what prompts me to clamber to center stage and announce my own ideas, often trampling others' thoughts. In the end, I look like the fool in Proverbs 18:2,"Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions." 

Words are important to God. Words are how He chose to express Himself to us. One of Jesus' names is literally "The Word". An overwhelming amount of verses in the Bible are devoted to teaching us how to honor God with our words. (A few to get you started - Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 15:1&23. Colossians 4:6, Colossians 3:9,16b&17.) Bottom line, God doesn't want us throwing our words around carelessly.


I wish I could tell you that since my throat has healed I have been much more careful with my words. I haven't. I still have the same bad habits; they aren't going anywhere fast. But I am more aware of my problem and, as I like to say, awareness is half of any solution. The other half is prayer and obedience. That's what I'm working on.

The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking;

      the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.

Proverbs 15:28

A Thought

Saturday I went to the AWANA Quizzing and Games for Trek and Journey 24/7. Our teams didn't win, but they put in a good effort and I was proud of them.

I noticed something about the team that did win the AWANA Games. They had a good team spirit and they poured everything they had into what they were doing. They were really excited to be there and it showed.

Seeing them so devoted and enthusiastic made me start thinking: If I was that enthusiastic about being a Christian, about bearing the image of Christ, about my future in Christ, and about sharing the gospel would my life have a greater impact on the unsaved I come in contact with? Or even the saved people; would my excitement be contagious enough to inspire other Christians?

Just a thought....