Always...

God is good.

I was thinking that last night as I stared up at a spotlight-rivaling full moon peeking through the trees. My heart was completely full of praise because right now, my life is absolutely perfect. A full moon was like a triple cherry on my sundae. But then a thought struck me.

Hasn't God always been good?

The obvious answer is, "Yes, of course! God is always good!!"

Then how come you've never felt this blessed before now?

Well...because life hasn't always been this wonderful. My teenage years were very full of tears and struggles, big questions and doubts and deep grief. That probably sounds dramatic considering nothing particularly tragic happened to me but my feelings were real nonetheless. The point is, I didn't feel blessed back then. Instead I often felt forgotten. Forsaken. Unloved.

But I wasn't.

Last night that realization came home to me. God has always, always been just as good as (and even more than!) I know Him to be right now! He has always loved me more than my craziest dreams can envision. He has always crafted every particle of my life to draw me closer to Him. Even my most painful, dark, lonely moments have been expressions of His tenderest love guiding, growing and teaching me.

My life won't always be as full of joy as it is right now. Something I have learned is that, no matter who or where you are, life will be full of pain and joy. That's why I want to hold on to what I am learning right now, let it sink in deep, so that when the darkness overtakes the day again I can look up and remember that I am just as blessed, just as loved as I know I am tonight.

The same is true for you.

Welcome 2012!!!

It's 2012!!! Isn't it funny how things feel different and yet still the same after New Year's Day?

Today someone asked me if I was excited about the new year. At first I didn't think I was, New Year's Eve is probably at the bottom of my list of holidays in order of preference. I cringe at the idea of changing something I am comfortable in, even if it is as simple as one number at the end of a date.

But now, as I reflect a little bit, I find that I am excited about 2012.

Even though it has already come, for the first few days of the new year I always feel like I'm standing in a blank space between the old year and the new one, sifting through memories like old photographs and forming ideas of what I should expect from the year ahead.

As I look back I see how wonderfully blessed I have been in everything, and I don't say that lightly. There has been pain this year: in a friend suddenly turning their back on me, in my brother moving to Madagascar, in a family I know and love falling apart, in a prolonged struggle with depression. But now I can see how God has carried me through every single one of these situations and I shake my head in awe.

How can I fear what lies ahead when Jesus has so faithfully and patiently showed me again and again:

 "Jenna, I love you. 

Jenna I will always take care of you

Jenna, I will never leave you.

Jenna, I delight in you.

Jenna, I grieve with you.

Jenna, I am changing you.

Jenna, I will come for you.

Jenna, I will never change.

Jenna, I can handle the world Myself!"

(Grin Yeah, sometimes I get overzealous and try to take over God's job, but He is really good about letting me know that He is capable and He is taking care of not only me, but the people I love as well!)

"But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob, 

And He who formed you, O Israel, 

'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

I have called you by name; you are Mine! 

'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. 

When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, 

Nor will the flame burn you.'" 

Isaiah 43:1-2

If the LORD had not been my help, 

My soul would soon have dwelt in the abode of silence. 
 If I should say, “My foot has slipped,” 
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up. 
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, 
Your consolations delight my soul. 

Psalm 94:17-19

So, in view of all of that: Welcome 2012!!! I am excited to see what God will do in me this year! I am excited about the people I will meet, the things I will learn, how I will grow, the opportunities Jesus is preparing for me, even the things that will change! 

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you [and me!] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

Instead...

There is a struggle of emotions that goes on in me when I look ahead to Thanksgiving. I am naturally pessimistic, not that I necessarily look for bad things to happen - though I certainly try to be prepared for them - but more often than not I see the bad rather than the good in my life. It is a terrible habit but, there it is.

Right now I am tempted to look at my dad's unemployment struggle instead of seeing how God has faithfully taken care of us through it all.

 I want to feel sorry for myself when I see how my family is spread out across the whole world, instead of thanking God for how close our hearts still are.

I want to mourn the loss of my grandparents instead of shouting for joy at the knowledge that they are in heaven!

But God has been cultivating a spirit of thankfulness instead of fear in me this year. He has opened my eyes to see His overwhelming goodness and faithful love. I am forever grateful. Or at least I should be!

This year -
~ I have been surrounded by people who love me.
~ I have regained my health.
~ I have spent time with my entire family, together.
~ My grandfather has come through two dangerous operations.
~ I made two amazing trips to Russia.
~ I have learned that money and health insurance do not take care of us. God does.
~ I have discovered what a great blessing it is to be so intimately connected with my siblings' ministries.
~ I have cried and struggled through many difficult things and been carried through it all by the Everlasting Arms.
~ God has allowed me to have a positive impact in childrens' lives.
~ God has taught me what true humility looks like.
~ I have been overwhelmed by Jesus' vast love for me!

Humility

I've been reading a lot about humility these past few weeks. God has been impressing on me my very great lack of it! But it hasn't been at all unpleasant...You know, only a gracious, loving God like mine could make something like learning humility something that fills my soul with joy and gives me a more confident assurance of His love!

I think the passage that most encouraged me during this study was Deuteronomy 8.

"And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your GOD has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD ...
...For the LORD  your GOD is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth into valleys and hills.
...In the wilderness He fed you manna, which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end."
Deuteronomy 8:2-3,7,16

I've been through a lot of wilderness, barren places. I don't mean that I've had a hard life, but many times my spiritual life has been extremely dry. I used to think those times meant God was unhappy with or disappointed in me, waiting for me to get my act together...but I don't think so any more.

Recently we had a ladies conference at my church and one of the speakers said something very poignant for me; she was speaking about Sarah, Abraham's wife and how her barrenness was viewed as a disgrace, God's disapproval even! And then she pointed out how we, today, often view our times of "barrenness" as God's disapproval when it's not!

God says He leads us through the wilderness to humble us and teach us that we need Him so that He can lead us to good places. So, the times I have been thinking were proof of God's disappointment were instead proof of God's most tender, unending love in offering me His own strength. How marvelous!

Havin' Me A Think

Well, you will be happy to know I have NOT dropped off the face of the earth!....You ARE glad, right? *wink*

Nope, I am still alive and well! I have just been taking some time off to have me a think. (That's Southern talk in case you didn't know and are completely shocked at my terrible grammar.) I didn't actually know that's why I was taking time off, because at first I just didn't have any inspiration or will to write, except in my good 'ole journal of course. (Okay maybe I'm a terrible Southerner but now even I am sick of my fake accent.) But after a week or two I realized God had some things to teach me and it was time for me to be quiet for a while.

Now my itch to write has returned and I have never been so happy to "scratch" it. I was beginning to think it was gone for good!

With this fresh start you may have noticed my new look. I was appalled when I returned to see how limp my blog looked. I think this look is much more fun and represents my personality better. To be honest, I think the reason I had to take a break was because it was getting waaaay too stuffy on here! Or maybe I was trying to force myself to fit a stuffy personality. (Maybe it was just all in my head *smile* That's probably closer to the truth.)

To sum up, I had a very good break but I am very happy to be back!

Blessings

A dear friend from church sang this song yesterday in church. Tears were streaming down my face as she sang.

   

Last week was very rough. My grandfather has been in and out of doctor's offices since his pacemaker was put in. 

Another close friend found out her grandfather's cancer has returned.

And then we received some devastating news about a family friend.

So, I've spent much of this week in tears, particularly this weekend.

When Ms. Melissa got up to sing and explained how this song had touched her, I knew I was about to become a basket-case. But I still wasn't prepared for how deeply the song would touch me. But it was okay, they were good tears, tears of His own healing. 

I pray this song brings healing to you as well.

Joy

A God Who Understands

I'm sorry! I forgot to post yesterday. Well, I didn't forget altogether...I just forgot to remember at a convenient time. Anyway, I'm very sorry.

This week I am grateful for: A God who understands.

A God I can tell anything and everything to.

A God who knows me better than I know myself.

He heals the broken-hearted,

and binds up their wounds.

He counts the number of the stars;

He gives names to all of them.

Great is our Lord, and abundant in strength;

His understanding is infinite.

Psalm 147:3-5

Saying Goodbye

Today, my last day in Moscow, is drawing to a close. Tomorrow I will drag my tubs and bags to the airport, answer lots of questions, check my bags, grab my ticket, say my goodbyes and walk through the barrier.

Tonight I'm babysitting for a few hours. I've made American mac-and-cheese, spread peanut butter on bananas and fed my three nieces. We played the quiet game while we ate and talked about the movies we watched today, namely, "Tangled" and "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs".

After dinner I sit down on the couch to work on a blog post about my recent visit to a mosque, but it's not right. I can't find the right words to express the subtle, gentle, but deep way it affected me.

The older two girls bug me to "do something fun", a tradition I created for when I babysit them. It usually consists of a special game or craft or movie. I reluctantly leave my "work" to search for a new craft online.

The baby needs more food.

I check my email.

The girls are loving on me, climbing and tugging. It's sweet but not practical with a computer in my lap. I grumpily brush them aside, find a craft and give them the materials and instructions, relieved to finally have some peace.

After a brief interlude my middle niece climbs up beside me to ask questions again...I only half-listen to her, giving her brisk answers.

Finally I catch myself....this is my last night with them! Is this the parting memory I want to leave, a distracted, grumpy aunt? I look down at the small face cuddled up against my arm.

"Am I grumpy?"
"Yes," she answers decidedly.
"What does grumpy mean?" the oldest one asks.

What is making me so grumpy tonight?

I put the computer aside determinedly and grab Kaela, then Abbie for a spin. Their delighted laughter lifts my spirit. I plop back down and just watch. I watch the girls leap around the room playing with the space ship I made them out of a toilet paper roll, construction paper and a few Werther's wrappers. They speak in their high-pitched play voices, happy as queens...or maybe happier.

I watch the baby maneuver around her sisters' antics, babbling to herself, experimenting with new sounds. She is learning so much, so fast, changing every day. I retrieve a stray marker top from her possession. I chuckle a little at her angry cry and pick her up to cuddle. Her indignation is short-lived; she gleefully pulls away from my embrace to climb on the couch, practicing sitting down and standing up, chattering happily all the time to me. I wonder what she is telling me all about.

All of this sends shards of pain through my heart. I will miss them so much!

And not only them...I realize I've gradually come to love it here.

I love:
~Studying the people on the metro and praying for them
~Practicing my (extremely) limited Russian.
~Understanding the culture/Knowing how things work here.
~ Eating hatshepurri!! (A Central Asian bread with cheese and egg topping. Very oily and cheesy and soft and soooo yummy! btw, I have no idea if I'm spelling it right.)
~All the fresh, soft, yummy bread!!!
~Hanging out with my awesome big sister!
~Watching my nieces grow up.
~Being with the people I've met and grown to love here.
~The different perspective on life I get here from seeing people begging, people working so hard to please a God they barely know and living in fear of Him all their lives, people who haven't bathed in so long you can't stand within ten feet of them, people trapped in a religion they were born into.
~The new level of dependency on God.
~The way I can take a step back from myself and my own problems here.
~Knowing that I am serving God in a practical way in everything I do here. How useful and productive I feel.
~The way I can enjoy the simplest things here like: a yummy meal, Coca-Cola, any and all outings, laughing with my nieces, chatting with people from home, making my little sister laugh at my craziness, reading a book.


I've learned that your home is not confined to a place, even a country.This place has become part of my home.

So tomorrow, as I walk through the gate that will separate me from this new piece of my home I will more than likely be fighting tears for all I am worth, but in the end I can be nothing but grateful. I have made such rich and precious memories. I have met such wonderful people. I have experienced things others only dream of. But most of all, I have been changed.

I only hope and pray that these fresh and still-delicate impressions will not be forgotten or erased with the pressures in America. I pray that I will keep the things I have learned here, treasuring them and pondering them in my heart. That God will keep my heart tender towards Him and towards the people here..and everywhere!

(Note: You made it all the way to the end! Hoorah! Thanks for putting up with the long, rambling post...I wrote it late at night in a very sentimental mood...something I try never to do but it happened and I've decided to keep this one no matter how choppy and unpleasant it may be to read. It expresses some true feelings that I don't want to forget. So...three cheers for you faithful reader!! Thank you for your perseverance!)

Beauty

Well, it's Friday! I must confess I nearly forgot about this post. (Shame on me!) But now I am really excited. :)

This week I am grateful for beauty.

For eyes to see the beautiful sunsets over Moscow

For ears to hear my nieces' laughter.

For touch to feel a baby's soft skin.

And for a soul to appreciate it all.

Thank you God!

Graters and Gratefulness

Have you ever swallowed a cheese grater? No? Well, if you had you'd know exactly how my throat felt on  Friday.

Friday morning I crawled out of bed with a throat sore enough to rival the the my tonsillitis throat's record. I tried everything I'd ever heard of to find relief that day, warm tea with honey, plain honey, gargling vinegar-water, throat drops...the whole shebang. The only thing that helped  to any degree was two Tylenol, but still, tears came to my eyes and I tensed all over with the pain of swallowing anything.

I was mildly upset with God for throwing such a wrench in my plans. I felt even worse when I heard of the plans the others had made to pass out fliers at a mosque and eat out for dinner - plans I would have to miss out on to nurse my throat. I even wondered (somewhat bitterly) if these germs had slipped past when God wasn't looking (can we say drama queen?). But in the back of my head, or deep in my heart, or wherever, I knew God that must have some reason for letting this happen to me. So, not having much else to do or being too miserable to do it, I started trying to sort out what it might be.

I suddenly realized that it had never occurred to me to thank God for a healthy throat before. Then I began thinking about all the blessings I take for granted (sometimes even while complaining to God for not blessing me in other ways!). And not just the "common" things like life, clothes, food shelter but extra-special things like: 
~a homey house with a large yard,
~amazing friends,
~a beautiful town,
~spending money,
~a quiet neighborhood,
~music,
~parents who understand me,
~brothers and sisters who like me,
~a church that cares about me individually
.
...I began to see my life in a different light and I saw all the things I could and should be overwhelmed by gratefulness for....I was disgusted with myself but I still wasn't all that grateful...

I still haven't gotten to the point of being overwhelmed but, while I think gratefulness is actually a gift from God, I do think it also comes partly from discipline. So, as an exercise I have decided to pledge to post once a week with at least one thing I am truly grateful for. This post will take place on Fridays so check back on me!

Another way you can help me is to be praying for me, that this lesson will not slide off with time but will become etched on my heart and transform me and that God would take this weakness of mine to show off His own strength.

"Praise to the Lord
Who o'er all things so wonderfully reigneth
Shelters the under His wings
Yea, so gently sustaineth.
Hast thou not seen, how thy desires e'er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?"

Thou who hast given so much to me, give me one more thing... a grateful heart!         

~George Herbert